Comedian Consumer Gifts

Agressive Supermarket Sales

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

They get into debt so fast these days...

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

"Years of penny-pinching really paid off. The price of copper just went up again."

"Who knew we'd be a desirable demographic?"

'Don't forget our 'Bargain basement', sir.'

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

Mall Ahead - Be prepared to shop.

'Darn, all these coupons are expired. We could have saved 50 cents on 9 cans of dog food.' 'We don't have a dog.'

Ed's Odd Job Lot.

For the new gardener.

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

'Anyone can sell. It's keeping it sold that's the art.'

"Officer, wrong number."

"New super select-a-size! 1/2 sheet, 1/4 sheet, 1/8 sheet (make-up remover), 1/16 sheet (spider killer), 1/32 sheet (booger getter), 1/64 sheets (zit squeezers)."

Mother Nature's Health Foods

"Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in - unless they've moved to a one-bedroom condo in Boca Raton."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with fabulous new shoes!"

'This appliance will replace that other appliance which replaced all those original appliances.'

"Patti, come here! Amazon doesn't have 'drunk shopping' as an option for return reasons!!"

"And that's why you shouldn't sneeze into your mask."

"And, in exchange for his testimony, your client gets to pick something nice out of our catalogue."

Stuff. You don't have enough of it.

'Unexpected item in bagging area!'

Gates of Heaven with a supermarket in background: 'Look! It really is heaven!'

'We have got to put someone else in charge of the vending machine change bow.'

"D'you want to take me out tonight?"

Clancy: All the world's a stage....