Comedian Consumer Gifts

Agressive Supermarket Sales

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

Sign Reform

They get into debt so fast these days...

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

"Years of penny-pinching really paid off. The price of copper just went up again."

'Don't forget our 'Bargain basement', sir.'

"Who knew we'd be a desirable demographic?"

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

Alan Davies.

Mall Ahead - Be prepared to shop.

'Darn, all these coupons are expired. We could have saved 50 cents on 9 cans of dog food.' 'We don't have a dog.'

Ed's Odd Job Lot.

For the new gardener.

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

You're on, caller. What's your problem? How do I get rid of a tenant so I can charge more rent? I get that question all the time. First, find out if your property is rent-controlled. If it is, go back in time to the moment you decided to rent it out and slap yourself. You have no business being a landlord, you greedy #%$*! What kind of music did the army use to get Noriega to leave Panama?

'Anyone can sell. It's keeping it sold that's the art.'

Mother Nature's Health Foods

"Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in - unless they've moved to a one-bedroom condo in Boca Raton."

"New super select-a-size! 1/2 sheet, 1/4 sheet, 1/8 sheet (make-up remover), 1/16 sheet (spider killer), 1/32 sheet (booger getter), 1/64 sheets (zit squeezers)."

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"Officer, wrong number."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with fabulous new shoes!"

"And, in exchange for his testimony, your client gets to pick something nice out of our catalogue."

"And that's why you shouldn't sneeze into your mask."

Stuff. You don't have enough of it.

'This appliance will replace that other appliance which replaced all those original appliances.'

'Unexpected item in bagging area!'

"Patti, come here! Amazon doesn't have 'drunk shopping' as an option for return reasons!!"

Gates of Heaven with a supermarket in background: 'Look! It really is heaven!'

'We have got to put someone else in charge of the vending machine change bow.'

"D'you want to take me out tonight?"