Customer Gifts

'It's one of our new technology rings, it allows you to download karats.'

"I love our litte chats, Jack, but you've got to start drinking again."

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"Where can I find your organic, locally raised children?"

"Careful, I'm spilling your shrimp bisque all over the place."

… and this model reminds you that its already out of date. I'm obsolete. Buy something new, loser! Handy.

My name's Troy, and I'll be your serve tonight. My name's Fred and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon. I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason.

Casting is everything

Waiter, what's this photograph of Jeff Goldblum doing in my soup? He starred in the remake of "The Fly." Personally, I prefer Al (David) Hedison in the original.

"More?"

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

"... Wine list? No, we don't have a wine list! Perhaps I can get sir something from the vending machine?"

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

"Now that's what I call customer service!"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

"I've tasted better myself, but you've got to admit the service is good."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

Target your customer.

Direct Marketing...

'I'd like to return this, please.'

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

All of our representatives are busy right now. Stay on the line and someone will be with you in a few miles.

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."