Custody Philosopher Gifts

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

Coronavirus Impact on Children

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Mr. McMurdo has been called 'guilty as the day is long.' And yet, do not biblical scholars tell us a day can mean many things?"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

10 Commandments in the Supreme Court (USA)

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"I'm pre-legal analysis."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

''Congress shall make no law'... now, I wonder what they meant by that...?'

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

How Moms explain.

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Now there's a novel idea - babysitting your own children.'

"I don't know how to tell you this, Honey, so I'm going to come right out and say it. ... Your goldfish ran away."

"If being normal is so natural.....why is it such a strain?"

Baby Teething Problems.

"I used to be a stay-at-home dad. It was great until I had kids."

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

"John thinks he's got my neuroses imprinted on him already, but I say that the OCD is pure John."

'On the other hand, if we accept confessions extracted under torture then soon they won't need lawyers.'