Possessions Philosopher Gifts

'You can't have everything can you?' - 'Of course not. Where would you put it all?'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

"Who says you can't take it with you? This one has a fireproof lining."

"Ah, the waiter ... And I was beginning to wonder if we really existed!"

"Forget it – we're not buying some expensive sex robot for it to end up unused in the garage with the massaging armchair and the rowing machine."

'On the face of it, it sounds great that she left me her house, but it has gone stale and what Hansel and Gretel didn't eat the birds have had a go at.'

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

"Do you have any why-to books?"

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

'Death in the 'life' section of library'

"Harold is a closet intellectual and he's never coming out."

Philosophy - who said it has no practical uses

Stephane Mallarme

'You're not really into this, are you Mahoney?'

As Dumb as Dirt?

'Forty-eight felony counts have taught me not to try to do everything myself.'

'Something is bothering you Roger. A wife can tell.'

'What's the catch?'

Apt house matchmaker: '23 - D meet 17 - c, sublet...'

"I've searched, and found what we had before social media."

Next cartoon - 5 minutes...

...Then they got me on some trumped up morals charge.

Probation Officer

"It's a buy-to-think."

'My five-year plan is pretty solid, but it gets a little fuzzy after that.'

Hope through the prison bars.

"Really? Well, my philosophy has always been: You can take it with you."

"I'm not looking for absolute wisdom. . . just enough to get by."

"My gut tells me this is a time to mute our hoopla."

Things I should be proud of - but am not. Things I shouldn't be proud of - but am.

"As it happened, my work as an accountant transcended the genre."

How to be self-reflexive