Domestic Life Philosopher Gifts

Headless woman.

'I'm not complaining, Walter -- I just thought marriage would be more interactive.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Hungry child

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Man's best friends."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

'Rabbits make great pets, but it's best to have them one at a time.'

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

Always Compatible

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

“Can I have her now? Hey! My turn.”

"I consider every member of our family to be like family."

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'Actually, she's turned out to be a very clever pet. Watch when Rex stands up, she'll feed him a biscuit.'

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

Viking sitting patiently while his wife winds her wool on his helmets horns to sort it out.

"Do I have to go out again!?"

"But I use all of them!"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."