Curriculum Vitae Kid Gifts

"This is your portfolio. Fill it."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'You can't blame the kids for being restless when we have math teachers teaching French, and English teachers teaching science.'

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"Thank you for 30 years of teaching service. Now you have 5 minutes to turn in your keys, I.D. card, empty your desk and be escorted out."

'That's o.k., Dugan - 'why do I even bother?' was a rhetorical question.'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"In your CV under 'experience' all you've written is 'YIPEE!'."

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Very impressive, but is there anything you can't do?'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"Under 'salary desired', could you be more specific than 'obscene'?"

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

'How come you're always trying to teach me things I don't want to know.'

Phrenology head filled with National Curriculum instead of real knowledge.

'How about, 'I am dynamic and results driven.'?' - 'It needs more 'pizazz', more 'sizzle'!' - 'What about, 'I am a dynamic, results driven, innovative, highly motivated team player.'' - 'Almost perfect...' - '...just swap 'team player' for 'chubby little

Conservative Curriculum

"What is the battle cry for homeschoolers?" Kids: "Go Home!"

"We should have more physics in the biology and chemistry curricula."

"Are you concerned about the increase in artificial intelligence?"

"How about starting on the Cs?"

School with math class, black math and gay math.

'My instincts and intuitions are on opposing sides on this schedule.'

'According to your resume, you multitask at the four person level. Here, our minimum starts at five.'

"First day of school and you've already got problem students?"

'Well, I am only human!' (Human Resources)

"Why wasn't the Tulsa Black Wall Street Massacre in the U.S. history books?"

'I look forward to my first year as a teacher. I wrote lesson plans, attended in-service workshops, and decorated my classroom. Preparation is half the victory. It's the other half that scares me.'

'Teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic sounds like a good idea. Let me run it by an educational focus group.'

'I think I use the Internet too much. I find myself writing 'com' after each period.'

'I don't have a traditional resume, but I do have this DVD featuring me in a number of amusing office bloopers from my previous job.'

"Interesting CV, we haven't had anyone with a qualification in 'being really good at stuff' before."

'Welcome to the interview for our Post-Doc position, I hope you've brought your publication list...'