Curator Of European Art Gifts

The Exhibition at the Royal Academy

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

You're my Mona Lisa.

At the Museum

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

"You've got a long, long road ahead of you, young man."

Paul Klee

Bird feeding chick that is nesting in a knight's helmet

"I think he was a celebrity."

The Googler

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"I'm beginning to regret taking this job at the local playgroup."

'That's about it so far, Son.'

'We're gonna need a bigger moat...!'

"And this is our media room."

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

Use your imagination.

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

'It's a Joan Biro.'

Physician tending a mummy.

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"An unfortunate museum gift shop." "Banksy activity set." "Jackson Pollock coloring book." "MC Escher building blocks." "Claes Oldenburg miniatures." "Marceau Marceau CDs." "Seurat's connect-the-dots aaAAAAA."

"Personally, I'm a doer."

Barcode on Ancient Greek Vase

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

"Anachronism or not, it just ain't the fourth without the ribs and Willie Nelson."

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

Painting taking root...

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'