Modern Art Curate Gifts

"A conundrum, rather than an outright mess, I think, Mrs Ellis..."

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

Paul Klee

"I think he was a celebrity."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"Well....I could've done this!"

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

"His mother had a great influence on him. She always made him eat his fruits and vegetables."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Wagging Dog

Painting taking root...

'Projectile painting.'

It's a call from Tate modern.

'I could do that.'

Couple Sitting in Front of A Sunset.

'No, Timmy, we are not supposed to connect them.'

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

Children's Art Show.

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

Jackson Pollock Studio

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

Rodin's Browser

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

"Now this I get."

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'From an aesthetic perspective, it has heart, beauty and intrigue, but is it a viable process design?'

A sign that reads "ART...and plenty of it!" hangs above the entrance to a museum.