Culinary Quipster Gifts

"When it says 'beat until stiff,' does it mean the eggs or my arm?"

"Since we don't do payback dinners, how does eighty bucks sound for the reasonably decent evening I think we've all had?"

"'No' to that, too, eh? Then, may I suggest something we were going to throw out?"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"States of tofu"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Soup of the month.

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Chez Nous Menu

6 Brothers Falafel

"That's it. We’re toast."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Wok. Don't Wok.

Cookbooks

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

"Would you like some wings?"

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Ninja bread men"

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

It turns out they don't go together so well,