Culinary Comic Relief Pillows

"Will you all please bow your heads for the reading of the menu."

Waiter watering down wine

"Apologies, monsieur, frogs legs are off the menu."

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Would that be rare, or medium rare?'

"How do you want your steak...here or in the kitchen?"

'I thought too many cooks spoiled the broth.'

"Waiter! Waiter! There's no flies in my soup!"

Self-basting

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

Night of the Latkes

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Thou Shalt Not!

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"I'm trying to create a hologram of myself. If I'm successful, I'll never have to attend school, go to the dentist or go anywhere else that's boring again."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Out with the old fish, in with the new."

"Aren't we going a little overboard with Friday's casual dress code!?"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Onion operation.

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

Amy Sedaris

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'