Comic Relief At Work Pillows

Recruitment Agency: "Describe yourself in three words."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"I'm trying to create a hologram of myself. If I'm successful, I'll never have to attend school, go to the dentist or go anywhere else that's boring again."

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

The First Printed Bible

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"Aren't we going a little overboard with Friday's casual dress code!?"

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"What kind of sinker are you using?!"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

'No no!! Not that one... The BIG one on the top shelf!!'

'Sleep on your face again, Phil?'

Tourist in the desert

Break Glass in Case of Stress

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

Scarecrow chasing Igor with a brain

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"Well... that rhino horn's doing absolutely nothing for me..."

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

Gentleman, things are worse than we thought.

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

Do you think I have a problem delegating?

Optimism is extremely contagious.

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"It's a wheeble or some such thing, but still no sign of a deoderant."