Dietary Comic Relief Pillows

'These appetite suppressants are very effective. Unfortunately each pill is 500 calories.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Dog Birthdays

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

'That never gets old.'

Chef De Party.

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

'I love it when you cook - it lets me practice faking it.'

'...but you can't keep imagining you're going downhill!'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'I thought too many cooks spoiled the broth.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

'Would that be rare, or medium rare?'

Clown riding unicycle exercise machine at health club.

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

The real reason salad aids weight loss