Dietary Comic Relief Mugs

'These appetite suppressants are very effective. Unfortunately each pill is 500 calories.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Chef De Party.

'That never gets old.'

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

'I love it when you cook - it lets me practice faking it.'

'...but you can't keep imagining you're going downhill!'

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Clown riding unicycle exercise machine at health club.

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

'Would that be rare, or medium rare?'

'I thought too many cooks spoiled the broth.'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

Birdcage and Man cover their heads at nighttime.