Culinary Comedy Gifts

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

'Tell you chief there's been a terrible mistake, I'm a Friar.'

'Which went bad first, the chicken salad or the egg salad?'

"Would you describe yourself as conservative voter."

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"He left with two other slices of bread, turkey, bacon, lettuce and toothpicks. I think they went clubbing."

Foot Long Worms

'Who ordered the soup with a fly in it?'

"I might just get a pie."

"I hope you're satisfied! - I burned my thumb in your stupid soup!"

'That must be a television FIRST - Jamie Oliver burning the roast!'

"How was the food sir?"

'Mr. Spencer specifically ordered 'well done'!'

Dressing a chicken

'No, Irma, consummating out marriage doesn't mear hearing up your mother's chicken soup!'

Wife: 'Ah, honey.....why are you covered in raw fish and rice?' Husband: 'Oh I was running late for the 6:15 and got on a darn sush train by mistake!'

"I hope you like your chicken extra-crispy."

"I told you the service was very personal!"

"Slop again?!"

"Sorry, I don't work here."

Cut hand while slicing bagels. All other emergencies.

"Oh God, I forgot to ask if anybody had lard issues."

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"States of tofu"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Your French dip, sir.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth