Crumpled Paper Collector Gifts

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

Tree Funeral

"That's Arnie, our resident meeting moth. He doesn't have an office... Just flits all day from one meeting to another. And be careful: he's got a thing for wool!"

You can tell when the blades get dull on your rotary nose-hair clippers.

"The camera is mounted on your desk for a reason. There's been some paperclips missing, and we think you're the culprit."

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

This is not what I had in mind when I joined the Council!

"What's that smell?" "A paper cut."

'One day son, all this will be collected.'

"Keep your guard up. We're entering big-cat country."

"Occupant, apartment 5C: Congratulations—you may already have won the all-electric Colonial split-level house of your dreams...."

Constitution of the United States (First Draft)

How farmers get away w/ eating crackers in bed

Towels embroidered with 'Me', and 'No... Me.'

The traveling Yard Sale.

"Come on, Baldo...get up. It's twenty to eleven."

'Jack's wife left him for the dustman.'

"He thinks he's located a World War I torpedo boat. What's exciting at your house?"

'True, I don't know a lot about art, but junk, I know!'

" know a bargain when I see one!"

Cartoonists.

'Must you eat without your shirt on? The crumbs falling into your navel are beginning to compost.'

"Oh, thank God!"

"One day Son all this will be yours."

The last will and testement...

"A bottle in the organs' bin? How many times do I have to tell you people: sort your recyclables?"

'Huh! There goes Sunday lunch!'

Toilet Roll Prank

'I'd like to return this sweater I knitted.'