Crumpled Paper Collector T-Shirts

Meet Santa. I've been working for weeks on the list of presents I want. I've got my Christmas present list and an invitation for Santa to attend my birthday party next year -- I know it's a long shot but I figured it couldn’t hurt to try. He just wants to know if you've been naughty or nice ... You didn't have to bring your whole resume. "Naughty or nice"? Does he mean your private life or your public persona? Yeah, it's all so confusing! Is sharing music files naughty or nice?

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

Tree Funeral

"That's Arnie, our resident meeting moth. He doesn't have an office... Just flits all day from one meeting to another. And be careful: he's got a thing for wool!"

You can tell when the blades get dull on your rotary nose-hair clippers.

"The camera is mounted on your desk for a reason. There's been some paperclips missing, and we think you're the culprit."

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

'One day son, all this will be collected.'

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

"What's that smell?" "A paper cut."

This is not what I had in mind when I joined the Council!

"Keep your guard up. We're entering big-cat country."

"Occupant, apartment 5C: Congratulations—you may already have won the all-electric Colonial split-level house of your dreams...."

ZZZZ. You think Ernie has a good head for business? It makes a good paperweight.

Constitution of the United States (First Draft)

How farmers get away w/ eating crackers in bed

Towels embroidered with 'Me', and 'No... Me.'

"He thinks he's located a World War I torpedo boat. What's exciting at your house?"

"Wot? No toilet paper?"

"Come on, Baldo...get up. It's twenty to eleven."

'Jack's wife left him for the dustman.'

The traveling Yard Sale.

'True, I don't know a lot about art, but junk, I know!'

" know a bargain when I see one!"

Cartoonists.

'Must you eat without your shirt on? The crumbs falling into your navel are beginning to compost.'

"Oh, thank God!"

Don't ask. Just get me the @#^$ out of here. (This cartoon was originally published on 2012-03-11).

"One day Son all this will be yours."

The last will and testement...

"You've probably already guessed, ...I'm the bluebird of sloppiness."

"A bottle in the organs' bin? How many times do I have to tell you people: sort your recyclables?"

'I'd like to return this sweater I knitted.'