Cruise Critiquers Gifts

'I hate these romance cruises.'

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'You can forget the Captain's table-we're not paying that kind of money just to eat with the crew!'

Upper class child with toy cruise ship.

"Technically, it's a mammal."

'Great cruise. When does the buffet open?'

Excess Baggage: When you are on a cruise and they say the ship leaves at 5:30, they really mean the ship leaves at 5:30.

"Try to get him away from that bloody whip...Pass it on."

"Ticket and passport, please."

The Red Carpet

'The marvelous thing about a Singles cruise is, if you don't find an interesting man, you can drown your sorrows with interesting food.'

"Well, we've learned that passengers will mutiny if they are served meatloaf two days in a row... Even if you do call it the South Sea Surprise on the second day!"

"This computer program is very intuitive. It automatically calls me when you do something stupid."

'This MUST be our ship!'

Excess Baggage: Take lots of photos on your cruise so you can show folks what you looked like before you gained those 20 pounds.

Killer whale with dead trainer

'I can't get them to leave. They want to sign up for another cruise.'

Four Types of Critics

"Ted's been down in the dumps since they started giving greed a bad name."

'What's your usual response to criticism?' - 'Extreme surprise.'

"My therapist said next time he tries to put his head in my mouth I've to politely refuse"

"I'll go on a cruise, but not if I'm forced to learn things."

"We're keen on a round-the-world cruise."

"What's the best ailment I could claim to convince my husband that I need a luxury cruise?"

'There's a strong minimalist influence in this artist's work.' 'Good! The less there is of it, the better.'

Pretending To Care

'You mean you don't have a bowling alley on board? And you call yourself a cruise ship?'

'You're always taking the fun out of everything!'

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

'I need to lose enough pounds to take a thirty-five meal cruise!'

The Bonvoy Age...

'One week on a boat, one day on a dinky island, then another whole week on the same monster ship, and you call it a vacation?'

"It's a trashy, unrealistic romance novel about a beautiful maiden and an equally handsome prince who fall instantly and passionately in love...naturally it's a New York Times Bestseller!"