Crisis Connoisseurs Gifts

Each fish represents a year getting progressively aggressive and terrible.

Reading my Critics

Chiller Theatre

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"That was totally....what's the word I'm looking for?"

'Call the boss! We're in trouble!'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

"Waiter, there's a hair in my soup!"

'This advertising campagn is stupid and disgusting and it appeals to peoples' most primitive instincts. I love it.'

Barbed Pen

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"The show's a big hit, but a little too risque. It's not worth the aggravation we're getting from the watchdog groups."

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"He's a mental-health critic."

Man in bookstore is looking at a large section of books devoted to stock market crash predictions.

"It's too academic."

'Hello - I've been parachuted in to save the bank.'

Euro crisis: abandon ship.

Film Critic

"But now it won't stay in mint condition."

'I wonder if TED ever listens.'

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'... And that's all from this bulletin. But I'll be back with more bad news at six.'

"There's a grouch on my couch."

"True, it's an authorized biography, but we'd do better by marketing it as unauthorized."

Comment on food.

Crazy Ideas

Algernon Swinburne

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"Uh-oh...I fear this means trouble at the stock exchange!"

Reporter on Aleppo

'So, Bob, we've decided to do some rebranding!'