Crisis Connoisseurs T-Shirts

Each fish represents a year getting progressively aggressive and terrible.

Reading my Critics

Chiller Theatre

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"That was totally....what's the word I'm looking for?"

'Call the boss! We're in trouble!'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

"Waiter, there's a hair in my soup!"

Barbed Pen

'This advertising campagn is stupid and disgusting and it appeals to peoples' most primitive instincts. I love it.'

"The show's a big hit, but a little too risque. It's not worth the aggravation we're getting from the watchdog groups."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

"He's a mental-health critic."

Man in bookstore is looking at a large section of books devoted to stock market crash predictions.

"But now it won't stay in mint condition."

Film Critic

Euro crisis: abandon ship.

"It's too academic."

'Hello - I've been parachuted in to save the bank.'

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'... And that's all from this bulletin. But I'll be back with more bad news at six.'

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"There's a grouch on my couch."

"True, it's an authorized biography, but we'd do better by marketing it as unauthorized."

"Uh-oh...I fear this means trouble at the stock exchange!"

Comment on food.

Reporter on Aleppo

Crazy Ideas

Algernon Swinburne

'So, Bob, we've decided to do some rebranding!'

"The editor who turned down the first Harry Potter book, say hello to the publisher who took a pass on Stephen King."