Criminal Storytelling Gifts

"I took the money and ran, but unfortunately, not fast enough."

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"You dropped yer wallet."

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'All right pal, just hand over the nose and nobody gets hurt.'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

Cosa Nostradamus: "Listen, you mook. I predict if you don't pay the vig to the Don by tonight you'll be at the bottom of the Hudson by morning."

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

"It's a beautiful day except for the murders."

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"So, while extortion, racketeering, and murder may be bad acts, they don't make you a bad person."

'...Just goes to show you, you can't trust anyone.'

"It's the terrifying story of a publisher brutally murdered by an author who had his book rejected."

Why did the chicken cross the mafia

'It's had the best reviews I've ever written.'

"I bet you thought that because you'd been castaway for forty years, you'd get off with your six month prison sentence."

Witless protection prgram

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

"Whack him. And if you can't whack him, redact him."

"I always wondered why they called you detectives, 'gum shoes'."

"My defense attorney couldn't shake the witness's identity of me as the perpetrator."

'I can't tag him, he keeps his watches there.'

TOO SLOW