Criminal Storytelling Mugs

"I took the money and ran, but unfortunately, not fast enough."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"You dropped yer wallet."

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'All right pal, just hand over the nose and nobody gets hurt.'

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

Cosa Nostradamus: "Listen, you mook. I predict if you don't pay the vig to the Don by tonight you'll be at the bottom of the Hudson by morning."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Fish mobsters.

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

Al Pacino

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

"Sorry, Boss, I thought you wanted me to make it look like an accident."

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"It's a beautiful day except for the murders."

"So, while extortion, racketeering, and murder may be bad acts, they don't make you a bad person."

'...Just goes to show you, you can't trust anyone.'

"It's the terrifying story of a publisher brutally murdered by an author who had his book rejected."

'It's had the best reviews I've ever written.'

Why did the chicken cross the mafia

Agatha Christie

"No, wait. What if the cop character is the murderer, and the mobster guy is completely innocent?"

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

TOO SLOW

"I always wondered why they called you detectives, 'gum shoes'."

Witless protection prgram

Lizzie Borden in the 21st Century...

"I bet you thought that because you'd been castaway for forty years, you'd get off with your six month prison sentence."

'I can't tag him, he keeps his watches there.'

"It's a puzzling case, Watson. For all I know, the culprit could be staring me right in the face."