Crime Scene Storyteller Mugs

"He misspoke, I misheard, then shots rang out."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

"We need rain."

'It was part way through the initial investigation that detective Walters felt as if he was being watched, but there was no one in the room. No one that is except the cat, who sat contently on the chair and watched him with an almost human repose.'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

Next camera crew 5 mins

"You dropped yer wallet."

"Then leave the horses head in the Futon." Middle-class mafia

'I don't know officer: They all look alike to me...'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

Mafia Short-Term Memory Clinic. 'Fuhgettaboutit.'

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

Cop Shop: Bulk, dried blood, shaved hair, ground teeth, assorted body parts and bone fragments.

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

Fish mobsters.

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

"Paper or plastic?"

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Turkey Autopsy

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"I'm home, with all my DNA."

"Ignore him - he hates everyone I haul in for questioning."

"It's a beautiful day except for the murders."

'I'm going to ask you one more time; who left a hot mug on this table?'

Handcuffs.

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

Party balloons. Looks like an inside job. Helium.

"Has anyone considered that maybe his dress was a disguise?"

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"Sorry, Boss, I thought you wanted me to make it look like an accident."