Crimebuster Enthusiast Pillows

The Straw Entrepreneur, The Tin Accountant, and The Cowardly Attorney

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"I feel like bad guys aren't as scared of me in the summer."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

"Don't editorialize."

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"#notguilty."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"Okay so which one stole your cereal?"

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

'Keep an eye on that one. He looks like a sketchy character to me.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'If anybody here knows why these two should not be wed...'

He loves the water.

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

"All I can figure is that he must have been inspecting the water quality of our lakes and rivers when he became entangled in cement."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

'The police is looking for a teenager who reads books... I bet they'll never solve this case!'

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

Fish mobsters.

"If a tree falls in the forest and hits a certain individual, would he still be able to testify?"

CSI Wonderland. (Photographer takes a picture of a cracked Humpty Dumpty. Investigators collect evidence from the scene.)

"They've solved the cause of death of Richard III."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"Take your time, sir. Tell me if you can see the thief."

'With the kind cooperation of the underworld, we present live, for the first time on TV, an actual holdup.'

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."