Crime Comedy Viewer Gifts

Dirty Deeds

Joan Hickson

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

"I said freeze, punk, I didn't mean literally!"

Cockroaches struggle to use the ski lift.

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'Not much cop are you!'

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

'Did he say anything before he died?'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."