Crime Comedy Viewer Gifts

Dirty Deeds

Joan Hickson

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

This is the last time I ask Peterson to dust for prints.

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

Robber on treadmill

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

"I said freeze, punk, I didn't mean literally!"

Cockroaches struggle to use the ski lift.

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

'Not much cop are you!'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I don't think the killer would in the garden...that'd be waaaay too obvious.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."

'Did he say anything before he died?'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'