Crime Author Gifts

"In addition to robbing you, I'm also doing research for a novel."

Accosted by a Curd Crawler

Book sections, 'crime' and 'master crime'.

Sherlock Holmes selling Sherlock Holmes.

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

"Puss in cement boots"

It was my story. A murder mystery. A who-done-it-and-got-away-with-it-until-he-wrote-about-it.

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

'I'm sure that the autopsy will confirm it was a suicide.'

The Philip Marlow family

'Mark my word, Walters, this is no ordinary virus.'

'Who was the murderer? Well Watson, that's the killer question.'

Fred Dinsdale - Forensic expert.

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

"You're not grandma at all! In fact, I think this is a case of identity theft!"

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

I always forget - Are we supposed to tip?

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'Why is it always about me?'

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

Snow Crime

Man reading 'How not to get caught.'

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

Dog detectives

"Let's just enjoy our holiday. The whole incident with your stalker is over now. We won't see him again."

"This, Yorik... Do you know him well?"

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

Mafia Family Life: 'I'm sorry dear - but I had to bring some work home!'

"You probably would have gotten away with draining the bank account except for one mistake. . . you signed all the checks with the cat's name."

"Say, Chief, any progress on the pencil case?"

"Yes, I was using my mobile whilst driving... I was calling the police to tell them I was chasing a gang of bank robbers!"

'There's my place. Technically it's still a crime scene, but you're more than welcome to traipse through it.'