Cpr Jokester Pillows

'Can't you give the dummy mouth to mouth without getting romantically involved Mrs Wilks?'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Virtual Doctor

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"Someone has hacked into our Computer."

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

"Uh, try unplugging him, then plugging him back in."

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).