Courtship Comedians Pillows

'You need to do more than rustle your plumage, sir, to woo me.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'Your place or mine?'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

Toothbrush Romance

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"You knew I was hooked when you married me!"

'They call me Portugese Man of War, but I'm really just a jellyfish of love.'

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'How much would you take off for cash?'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"He was a rescue."

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

So … how did you two meet?