Courtroom Comedy Aficionados Gifts

'Judge, you say you have awarded my wife £500 a month. That's very generous. Makes me feel I should add a few pounds of my own...'

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Questions about an old case refuse to go away. . .

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

A baby in court

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

A Judge about to enter an operating theatre for a 'Clinical Trial'.

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

'Oh, objection, objection, objection - what is it this time, Counselor?'

"The Defendant must stop trying to side-step every question the prosecution asks!"

Jurors saying 'I'm on the jury' on their mobiles.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

"The court granted me a new identity!"

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

'Might I caution you on suing the defendant for damages...such action is fraught with difficulty, given your 'hand-me-down' status in his family!!'

"I'm innocent. I've just never been able to pass up a good plea bargain."

Baby's first words.

"I object, Your Honor! This line of questioning is really weird."

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

'Look, several prisoners in my client's facility have reported finding God in their cells! Yet you claim you've never broken in one time?'

"I didn't consider it hacking. I thought of it as getting a sneak preview of their content."

'Overruled, you may continue.'

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

"Let's take in a trial."