Court Ushers Gifts

Usher

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

"Bailiff."

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"Better that a hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man be convicted, right?"

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

'I object, Your Honor! Hearsay evidence!'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"...And the court awards you twenty five thousand for the loss of faculty in your right arm."

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

Arrogant junior barrister

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse, dummy!'

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

'It wasn't a hate crime, Your Honor — I actually kind of liked the guy.'

'Then if there are no objections, we will recess until tomorrow morning.'

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

"That's right, think of yourself all the time! I'm the one who will be losing a client for the next twenty years."

"Objections overruled...I also think the defendent looks extremly dodgy"

'I believe my trainee is putting together the trial bundle for you now.'

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

'I've been charged with evading jury duty.'

'I seem to have brought the wrong brief case, your honor.'

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."