Courtroom Gifts

"My client got twenty years, yet he paid me in full. It just shows the system works."

"It's what I do."

'Well, Mr Dinthwait, I think there's quite a strong case for compensation for your whiplash injury from your recent car accident.'

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

'OK, OK, you've made your point. I'll admit that sometimes when I feel threatened, I snap.'

'Should I make a note of the fact that the witness has grown a Pinocchio nose, your honor?'

"Earlier you testified, and I quote: 'I wouldn't hurt a fly.' And yet police found this unregistered weapon in your home, along with several dead flies."

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

"I'm advising my client not to answer any more questions, or to even make eye contact."

'I'm looking for legal advice.' 'Don't get involved with lawyers. That will be £75.'

'You can plead 'guilty,' or you can plead 'not guilty' - You can't plead 'no big deal'!'

'I object, Your Honor! Hearsay evidence!'

Civil and In-Civil Court

''How do you plead' is just a legal term.'

"I am in so much trouble."

'Permission, Your Honor, to treat the witness with hostility.'

'The demeanor of this judicial panel doesn't bode well for your appeal.'

"And today if the prosecutor says 'Liar, liar, pants on fire,' do not turn around to check."

'Mr. Justice, must you keep repeating 'nobody can fire me, nobody can dire me, nobody can dire me'?'

'Yes, I technically did give illegal orders, but I naturally expected that the integrity of my subordinates would prevent their being carried out.'

Legal cartoon about lying on the witness stand.

'Before we begin, is it all right if I give each of the jury a small gift?.'

'I told you it wouldn't work. You just can't predict what a jury is going to do.'

Lawyer to client: 'Your slip and fall on ice would have more credibility if you weren't drinking ice tea at the time ... at South Beach.'

"Unfortunately, the law allows me no leeway in the case of an acquittal. I have to let you go."

Lawyer to other exiting courtroom: 'The client was such a pain in the neck, we paid out for pain and suffering to his lawyers.'

"We ask that bail be set at $1,000. The defendant poses a significant flight risk."

"You were hungry? Case dismissed."

'This old geezer has an age discrimination suit, your honor.'

'I could only get you a plea bargain of ninety years without parole. But... That's life.'

"My basic judicial philosophy is 'Guilty.'"

"Oh, that six million dollars."

'I'm recusing myself from this case.'

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...oh sorry, to honour and obey...on no that's not it..I name this ship.."

'It's life Jim, but not as you knew it,'