Courtrooms Gifts

'In the future, let's go with 'the court is now in session' rather than 'let's get ready to rumble'.'

"Apparently, you have very little respect for our judicial system, sauntering in here with only one lawyer."

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'Since you insist on defending yourself, I feel April first would be an appropriate trial date...'

Barrister defends bear: 'Your honour, it is my client's view that these scurrilous allegations have damaged his reputation and have made almost impossible any further visits to the woods.'

"As unbelievable as it may seem to you today, this court was once a puppy, too."

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

'We have a problem.'

"The way I see it, justice delayed is that many more billable hours."

"This jury may not be swayed by any defense that relies on emotion."

'I'm calling a recess unti tomorrow morning - That's enough justice for one day.'

"Remember, as your lawyer, anything we discuss is confidential. And if you rat me out, I'll know where to find you."

'Finishing law school was easy compared to finding an office.'

"I swear to tell my own truth..."

'Bob, call you back. I've got a major decision that can't wait.'

'I win some, I lose some. But I always try and send the jury home in a good mood.'

Two lawyers in a royal court

'My client did shoplift, Your Honor, but I'd like to point out that an 'Everything Must Go' sign was prominently displayed!'

'There wasn't time to do it by the book. I did it by the front inside flap of the dust jacket.'

Three tired gentleman in a courtroom.

"As a forensic psychologist, it's my opinion that the defendant is not a risk to the public. Any more passive-aggressive questions?"

"Sorry we're late, Your Honor. My watch seems to be missing."

'It's a service animal.'

"What qualifies you to be a ballistics expert?"

'Don't think of my client as a sex offender, Your Honor - think of him as having special needs.'

'Your honor,does this look like the face of a killer?'

"This is good. If he's asleep it's grounds for an appeal. If he's dead it's a mistrial."

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

'If you want a speedy trial, why do you keep objecting?'

'If you haven't done anything wrong, why did you hire a lawyer?'

Jumping Into the Season's First Pile of Subpoenas

'The jury is instructed to pretend they didn't hear that.'

'The BILL OF RIGHTS? Are you trying to make trouble?'