Court Gifts

'And as a new client of our law firm, you get this nifty neck brace to wear in court.'

Litigator's Heaven: 'Would you look at this? No handrails! Man, someone is just asking for a big, fat lawsuit. And don't get me started on the heating system.'

'Might as well get comfortable. The appeal process can take forever.'

Automatic Arbitration

Juvenile Court

No appeals..I own all the lawyers

'Your honor, my client would like to plead not guilty because he's showing remorse.'

'Your first trial?'

'You again? -- what went wrong this time?'

'We believe in fighting tooth and nail for the underdog... Right up until the moment his money runs out!'

"Have you found a precedent?"

'A court-appointed attorney? — could I just have the money instead?'

Barrister attacking a policemen

Lawyers - He defends widows and orphans, unless he is attacking widows and orphans

'I said, order in the court!'

'Your Honor, I'm here to make excuses for my client.'

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

'We've simplified the jury selection process.'

'To be fair, I didn't say I was good, I said I was expensive.'

'A nice thing about a rush to judgement is that it will cut down on lawyer fees.'

"We can't put you in a Witness-Protection Program unless you actually witnessed something."

'How can my client expect justice when he doesn't even have one single celebrity testifying in his defence?'

Speared by the new retroactive slander law.

'I'll tell you what worries me -- What if they name a special prosecutor, and HE starts naming special prosecutors?'

'After being sequestered in a hotel owned by the defendant, we find him guilty!'

'Your problem is that you look guilty.'

'We have a lot in common, I'm a vulture and you're a litigation lawyer.'

'Trust Me, I'm a Lawyer...'

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

'I admit I robbed the bank, Your Honor, but what's done is done.'

''Rehabilitation'? -- Again?'

"As a judge, I have always treated colleagues and litigants with the utmost respect! I have been known for my courtesy on and off the bench!"

"Because you acted as your own attorney, you will do your community service sentence with the public defender's office."

'Any chance of us winning?' - 'I'm determined to fight this case down to your last penny.'

My client pleads, tax payer, big time.