Couch Protector Gifts

Who am I kidding?

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

'You get kickbacks from Al's Sofa City, don't you, Fluffy?'

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

"Don't push her off! Can't you see she's exhausted?"

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"All in favor of destroying the throw pillow, raise your paw."

Low-Energy Drinks

Sally woke up with a headache. This house didn't look familiar. There was a rug burn on her forehead. Three good reasons to quit drinking.

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

'Seriously. You have to get one of these.'

Excess Baggage: Fans of 'Deregulation' and the 'Free Market' probably have not had to buy a plane ticket recently.

'She'll never look for me here.'

'well, Fred, I see you're finally embracing technology.'

'I gotta admit it doc. . . My wife was right, a little time on the couch and I already feel better.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'First of all, calm down - your allowed to be on the couch.'

'Are you just back from work or on your way to the office?'

'We had him trained to stay off the furniture, right up until we gave up.'

'Ah, business as usual.'

"This is nice. You have your knitting and I have my vodka."

The IRS emptied my pouch.

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

Hell No Kitty

"Well, do you want to buy this sofa or not? You've been on it for three days!"

"We've decided to give you a bonus, Rick. It's any change you find under the cushions."

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"The emotional support goes both ways."

'Having him declawed was a total was a total waste of money.'

A couple with a new baby

'Let's have a quiet romantic evening together...we'll turn our cell phones off.'

"When we were dating it was all wine, soft lights, and candy. So nothing's changed really."

"These days, I'm mostly just legislating from the couch."

Edna's Couch and Breakfast.