Couch Protector Crew Gifts

"Why would I care of you scratch the couch? I'm not allowed on it..."

Low-Energy Drinks

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Bloody hell!"

Check your universal remote control at the door.

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

'Seriously. You have to get one of these.'

Excess Baggage: Fans of 'Deregulation' and the 'Free Market' probably have not had to buy a plane ticket recently.

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'I gotta admit it doc. . . My wife was right, a little time on the couch and I already feel better.'

Captive Audience at the World Cup.

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'Are you just back from work or on your way to the office?'

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

'Ah, business as usual.'

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

Hell No Kitty

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"Nobody listens to me complain quite like you do."

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

"Well, do you want to buy this sofa or not? You've been on it for three days!"

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

"We've decided to give you a bonus, Rick. It's any change you find under the cushions."

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."

"It was your father's idea - He can't bear to miss a second of the game."

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"What time is it?" "Half past World Cup."

'-but surely it's unusual to have nightmares with COMMERCIALS?'

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

Brighter days are ahead. I love it when I hear that in both news and weather segments of the program.

"Still judging people on stuff you could never do?"