Couch Critter Gifts

'No, we don't have invisible fence, Dear. Grandpa's allowed to get out of the chair.'

Squirrels Stockpiling Mulling Spices for Winter

Television Readers.

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"Bloody hell!"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Sally woke up with a headache. This house didn't look familiar. There was a rug burn on her forehead. Three good reasons to quit drinking.

'Seriously. You have to get one of these.'

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

"Nobody listens to me complain quite like you do."

Couch and Potato

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."

'-but surely it's unusual to have nightmares with COMMERCIALS?'

'So, what's it gonna be? Are we gonna watch a good cop show tonight, or a bad cop show?'

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

TV Watch(ing) Dog for sale.

'If you want a reality check, I'll have to see two pieces of I. D.'

"Squeeze a monkey! They've only gone and taken all the blanket again!"

'Having him declawed was a total was a total waste of money.'

Armchair quarterback/Armchair everything

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

"Still judging people on stuff you could never do?"

Emotional Baggage Handler

Marriage counselor: 'I say he's a couch po-tah-toe, and he says, couch po-taa-toe!'

"I can't wait till after the election when everything will be perfect."

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'