Cost-cutting Comedian Gifts

"We've decided to cut back and have Christmas every other year."

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

Budget reaction.

'Darn, all these coupons are expired. We could have saved 50 cents on 9 cans of dog food.' 'We don't have a dog.'

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

Budget Opticians.

What to do if a rhino owes you money....

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

80 Million Euros for a football player.

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

'I'm afraid the Christmas party has been cancelled on cost grounds...but the good news is that the boss has said you can still come in and photocopy your bottoms!'

'Tell them that, by funding our project, they agree the universe must be expanding, and that, as it expands, so must our budget!'

IRS, 'Try to be a little more prompt with your return next year, sir -- We almost ran out of welfare money!'

'...Or, if you're on a budget, there's always the La Brea tar pits.'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

'Oh, Honey...I know you want a little addition to the family - But we just can't afford a 48 inch flat screen plasma.'

Have You Claimed Your PPI?

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"

"On the upside, books from the closed libraries can be used to fuel the town hall furnace..."

"I don't mean to minimize your problems. That's not how I make my dough."

'So, from now on, due to economic conditions, you'll be our son on a contract basis, renewable every year. Any questions?'

'I'm leaving you because you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

"Turns out the training budget has been cut, so we'll continue doing things the stupid way for another year."

'Wait, I have a coupon for $500,000 off that hammer.'

'I did the math -- we can't AFFORD to attend the economic summit.'

"I'm sorry we're unable to save you, but we can still save your credit rating."