Budget Comedian Gifts

'I'm afraid the Christmas party has been cancelled on cost grounds...but the good news is that the boss has said you can still come in and photocopy your bottoms!'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

Budget reaction.

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

"We've decided to cut back and have Christmas every other year."

'Darn, all these coupons are expired. We could have saved 50 cents on 9 cans of dog food.' 'We don't have a dog.'

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

What to do if a rhino owes you money....

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

Budget Opticians.

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed."

bound by restrictive covenant

"And with this, nuptial contract, independent inventory and itemised bill...I thee wed."

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

80 Million Euros for a football player.

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

'Cuts in Roman times.'

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

'Tell them that, by funding our project, they agree the universe must be expanding, and that, as it expands, so must our budget!'

'...Or, if you're on a budget, there's always the La Brea tar pits.'

IRS, 'Try to be a little more prompt with your return next year, sir -- We almost ran out of welfare money!'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

'Oh, Honey...I know you want a little addition to the family - But we just can't afford a 48 inch flat screen plasma.'

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"