Budget-conscious Humorists Gifts

'I saved myself a fortune, by acting as my own defence lawyer.'

'...Or, if you're on a budget, there's always the La Brea tar pits.'

'I can't afford em - Will you kill me?'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

Budget reaction.

"We've decided to cut back and have Christmas every other year."

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

Budget Opticians.

What to do if a rhino owes you money....

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

80 Million Euros for a football player.

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

'I'm afraid the Christmas party has been cancelled on cost grounds...but the good news is that the boss has said you can still come in and photocopy your bottoms!'

'Tell them that, by funding our project, they agree the universe must be expanding, and that, as it expands, so must our budget!'

IRS, 'Try to be a little more prompt with your return next year, sir -- We almost ran out of welfare money!'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

Have You Claimed Your PPI?

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"

'Oh, Honey...I know you want a little addition to the family - But we just can't afford a 48 inch flat screen plasma.'

"I don't mean to minimize your problems. That's not how I make my dough."

'I'm leaving you because you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

"Turns out the training budget has been cut, so we'll continue doing things the stupid way for another year."

'Wait, I have a coupon for $500,000 off that hammer.'

'I did the math -- we can't AFFORD to attend the economic summit.'

You have back-breaking syndrome. Throw away your credit cards, refinance your mortgage and switch the kids out of private schools into public schools.

"Never mind, I'll pick a fight on my way home."

"We've found the money to run a seven day service...as long as all the days are Sundays!"