Cosmos Communicator Gifts

'We just received an obscene radio message from planet Sigma Epsilon Khi.'

"What the... mine are lunar eclipse glasses!"

"Stupid map ... that dot must cover 10,000 cubic light years."

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"Siri, find oxygen."

Do you ever wish you lived in a different era, Randy? It's safer to keep me where I am. Injecting my advanced virility into more primitive eras could have disastrous effects on the timeline. Well

"Of course, in cosmic years, we're still quite young."

"Let's f**k up Mars!"

Maitre d' to astronaut couple entering restaurant: 'Gravity or no-gravity?'

"Look what followed me home Mom. Can I keep it and call it Rover?"

Solar Gain: "Be honest: does the new planet make me look fat?"

"Oh, it's you, I'm glad I picked up.You wouldn't believe how many annoying telepathicmarketing calls I get."

"I've either discovered dark matter, or I've left the lens cap on."

'Johannes Kepler's uphill batle'

'Scientists agree the universe is expanding - Mendenhall is trying to find out where the financing is coming from.'

God creating the galaxy.

"We seem to be at that point where particle physics leaves of and theology begins."

"This guy has the entire universe and still has to tailgate me!"

God Plays Baseball with the Earth

'Just as I suspected. The wormhole is located behind the Dog Star.'

'Where did you leave the ship?'

"I'll believe in global warming when I see it!"

"He says he's been trying to get through for ages, but the line's always busy."

Buffering

Soon The Moon Will Have Cellphone Reception Better Than That One Part Of Your Commute

"Hey, universe! I'm significant and I'm in charge!"

"While Covid is still our top story scientists remain focused on Earth's pending collision with Jupiter."

The Big Drip Theory of the Universe

'Sometimes I think my wife's on another planet.'

"Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupididy' and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein. Our colleague and I were going to debate, with me arguing the universe is finite and he's arguing that it's infinite. But he pulled out saying the debate organizers are biased against his position. He didn't believe they were simply advising folks to arrive early when they said "space is limited."

'OK, who stuck that wedding confetti star on it?'

"Good heavens, you're right - it's a brand-new galaxy made entirely of deleted digital photos."

"Ignore it. Telemarketer."

Just before The Big Bang

Voyeurs guide to the Cosmos (stars in the shape of a sexy woman).