Cosmic Culinary Critic T-Shirts

"No dessert until you finish your dark matter."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Martha Stewart Takes Over The Universe

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

Flying sauces.

"Is the MSG local?"

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

Too much cilantro

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Countervailing Clichés.

The Origins of Everything

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"The bagels are better in New York."

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

Mrs. Robot attempts to improve her family's diet.

"Eggshell in omelette make Hulk angry!"

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"