Corporate Laugh Aficionado Gifts

"It's only panic alarm system... it goes off every time management suggest another reorganisation."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'Office' block tightening it's belt

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

Office pics on dinner table.

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'What's wrong? Think the walls have ears?'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

In and Out Sourced.

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"He'll do anything to say in power."