Conversation Gifts

"They were, sitting around the dinner table, knocking off a bottle of Côtes-du-Rhône and blathering about the Middle East – you've never heard such shallow, simplistic reasoning in your life – and one of them turns to me and says, "And what do you think, Barney? What do you think we should do?' and all I could come up with was 'Woof'. I felt like such an ass."

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

"Now, if New York were sunny and bright like Colorado, then that would be another story."

"I'd say we all have our burrows, Katie. Sure, mine might literally be a hole in the ground... yours might be that inner Katie that nobody really knows."

"It keeps me from looking at my phone every two seconds."

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

'I wish somebody would say something.'

"Oh, like you know something the Internet doesn't know."

'Sometimes words just get in the way.'

'Woof, woof, woof - but I'm paraphrasing.'

But enough about me, let's talk about my job.

"I'm terrible at small talk. Just scan me."

"I've never met anyone like you. You're just wrong about everything."

"The entire time you were talking to Marissa you had a piece of spinach between your teeth."

"They've got Hank on some of that medical marijuana."

'Half-empty...half-full, but probably polluted.'

"It's been nice talking to you, but I should probably get back to staring blankly ahead."

'I love being married to a statistician. I can make him say whatever I want.'

"If you don't have anything profound to say, don't say anything at all."

Caller ID - "Who am I?"

'What can I say, Carol... I'm whelmed.'

'That was a long winded conversation...I thought he'd never stop listening.'

'Medical bourbon - that's what we need.'

Coming Soon: The G.P.S. for Conversations

Let's talk about my dog.

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

I've always said ignorance is bliss, but what do I know?

'I have no idea what you are saying.'

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

"The Doctor is just wonderful!! He listens to all my irrelevant, boring stories!"

'No, there's nothing on my mind, but if there was I don't want to talk about it.'

"So, Carol tells me you're a baby."

Mindless, inane chit-chat only.

'Tell me a little bit about yourself.'