Conversation Pillows

"They were, sitting around the dinner table, knocking off a bottle of Côtes-du-Rhône and blathering about the Middle East – you've never heard such shallow, simplistic reasoning in your life – and one of them turns to me and says, "And what do you think, Barney? What do you think we should do?' and all I could come up with was 'Woof'. I felt like such an ass."

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

"Now, if New York were sunny and bright like Colorado, then that would be another story."

"I'd say we all have our burrows, Katie. Sure, mine might literally be a hole in the ground... yours might be that inner Katie that nobody really knows."

"It keeps me from looking at my phone every two seconds."

'I wish somebody would say something.'

"Oh, like you know something the Internet doesn't know."

'Woof, woof, woof - but I'm paraphrasing.'

"I'm terrible at small talk. Just scan me."

But enough about me, let's talk about my job.

"I've never met anyone like you. You're just wrong about everything."

"The entire time you were talking to Marissa you had a piece of spinach between your teeth."

"They've got Hank on some of that medical marijuana."

'Half-empty...half-full, but probably polluted.'

"It's been nice talking to you, but I should probably get back to staring blankly ahead."

'I love being married to a statistician. I can make him say whatever I want.'

"If you don't have anything profound to say, don't say anything at all."

'What can I say, Carol... I'm whelmed.'

'Medical bourbon - that's what we need.'

Caller ID - "Who am I?"

'That was a long winded conversation...I thought he'd never stop listening.'

Let's talk about my dog.

Coming Soon: The G.P.S. for Conversations

I've always said ignorance is bliss, but what do I know?

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

"The Doctor is just wonderful!! He listens to all my irrelevant, boring stories!"

'I have no idea what you are saying.'

"So, Carol tells me you're a baby."

'You have an interesting point there, Dickerson.'

Box of powdered gossip, just add water.

'No, there's nothing on my mind, but if there was I don't want to talk about it.'

'Why are we British so obsessed ... with talking about the weather?'

'Hello! I don't believe I've bored you yet...'