Convention Humorist Gifts

Welcome: Psychics Convention.

'Thank you for that kind introduction, Ed, but frankly, I would've liked a little further ado.'

Graduates on their phones

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

Nun Binning the Devil

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'The highest court in the land.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

The hour of justice

Champagne at the hunt

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

A Court Reporter's Pocket Knife

Counsel examining witness

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

'I committed the sin of pride. I've been gloating over how our church baseball team waxed yours.'

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

"Stomp your foot once for 'yes' and twice for 'no'."

A Scotsman in a court wearing sports gear is hardly news.

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

''The buck stops here'? What a coincidence, your honor. My nickname is 'the Buck'.'

"Sinead?!"

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!