Contract Conversationalist Pillows

"Yes, Peters, it is just legalese. It's all just legalese. We're a law firm."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Read any good Apps lately?'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

Liquidity Lunch

"Nick, are you listening or just buffering again?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

A lesson in wit

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

"I'll have to go now, Penny. My boyfriend keeps wittering on about something or other!"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'Oh...the IRS called. Something about an audit. I told them we weren't interested.'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'You used to be a living legend. Now you're a living has been.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

"My main worry is my anxiety."

Bla Bla Bla

'How did it go?' 'We had an exchange of views...I went in with my views and came out with hers!'