Career Conversationalists Pillows

'You used to be a living legend. Now you're a living has been.'

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I finally have an ailment that isn't so bad that I'm worried, but bad enough for me to complain about constantly"

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

"I'll have to go now, Penny. My boyfriend keeps wittering on about something or other!"

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

A lesson in wit

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'Join us. There' a talk on medical marijuana and a pot-luck dinner afterward.'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

"My main worry is my anxiety."

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

Bla Bla Bla

'He was too chatty. I don't like small talk. Too much gibber, not enough jabber.'