Competitive Conversationalist Pillows

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

'You call that enlightened?'

"I'm the most pathetic man on earth."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

A lesson in wit

Statue of Christopher Columbus

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'