Competitive Conversationalist Pillows

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

'You call that enlightened?'

"I'm the most pathetic man on earth."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

A lesson in wit

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Statue of Christopher Columbus

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'