Contract Conversationalist T-Shirts

"Yes, Peters, it is just legalese. It's all just legalese. We're a law firm."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Read any good Apps lately?'

"I had an Android, then I switched to an iPhone. Then I went back to an Android, then I switched back to the iPhone. . ."

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

Liquidity Lunch

"Nick, are you listening or just buffering again?"

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I'll have to go now, Penny. My boyfriend keeps wittering on about something or other!"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

A lesson in wit

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'Oh...the IRS called. Something about an audit. I told them we weren't interested.'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'You used to be a living legend. Now you're a living has been.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

"My main worry is my anxiety."

'How did it go?' 'We had an exchange of views...I went in with my views and came out with hers!'