Contraceptive Commentator Pillows

'Just the one, thanks.'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

New arrival

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'Cartoonist thinking'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'You did remember the condoms didn't you?'

Sports Radio in Crisis

Sir Patrick Moore.

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Tree of Public Opinion.

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

"Because the 'morning after pill' is not a rectal suppository."

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"Actually, we will replace you."

Chess on TV

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

The United States of Amazement

"This is gonna be great!"

Sportscasters on the Savannah

"Sir, the platoon suffered heavy casualties from a roadside IUD."

'Say what you like about the All Black scrum, but it's clearly the most fragrant and well groomed in the modern game.'

Voice of the GOP

Dear Sadie, How come there never seems to be any penality for pundits who turn out to be wrong all the time?

Americans have been in denial about the cause of mass shootings for a while but it's time to get serious about door control.