Contraception Commentator Pillows

'But I take the pill everytime I become pregnant, and it doesn't help.'

Oral Contraception - 'No!'

Condom Police: 'Wallet's empty. Same old story - says he just ran out.'

'Oh... I was supposed to swallow the pill?!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

New arrival

'You did remember the condoms didn't you?'

"Because the 'morning after pill' is not a rectal suppository."

Take a pill so you won't be one.

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"Sir, the platoon suffered heavy casualties from a roadside IUD."

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

'You should have used contraceptives -- I'm afraid your lucky socks didn't work.'

'Side effects may include loss of appetite, job, home and family.'

'They're not reliable.'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

Obesity in America.

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

"How many sex partners have you had?"

"...for better OR worse, not AND."

"The little thin girl inside you that wants to get out now weighs 200 pounds!"

'Nothing grows in the shade.'

'I had a stroke.'

'I'm not complaining, Walter -- I just thought marriage would be more interactive.'

The Imperfect Hostess

'Aborting mission! Primary invasion force captured and enslaved!'

"Why is it when Jane Austen describes everyday events, it's literary genius, but as soon as I start talking about my gall bladder, your eyes glaze over?"

'Marital Status?' - 'Henpecked.'

"Don't you think we've done enough 'begetting'?"

See the Amazing Slim Lady...

". . . And this, this is your elbow you got it now?"

"I thought celibacy only happened if you got married."